DEI- Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable!
In the 3rd grade, I started at a new school with limited understanding and proficiency of the English language. My teacher, a white woman, struggled to pronounce my name: Enrique. Within a few days, she began to call me “Henry,” which is supposed to be the English translation, similar to the way Maria is sometimes considered the equivalent of Mary. I thought nothing of it. She was an authority figure, and I was not one to challenge her on said authority, certainly not in the mid-90s.
I didn’t like it, but I didn’t say or do anything to change it, presumably out of fear and a lack of confidence in my own identity and ethnicity. As a result, my classmates soon began to know me as “Henry,” then the rest of the students and teachers. Before I knew it, I was ”Henry” to the entire community. Again, I was never a fan of it, but I lacked the courage to change it and cause discomfort in others, especially my elders. I didn’t know, however, the kind of detrimental effect it would have on me for years to come.
Fast forward to high school. “Phew! I’m free of that name,” I thought. Wrong. It carried over as some of my former classmates and friends from the neighborhood joined me freshman year, and here is where it took a different turn. Before I knew it, I was brushing off nicknames left and right, ways for teachers and other students to remain in their comfort zone while I questioned so much about myself.
“What the heck? Why can’t anyone pronounce my name; it’s not that hard!”
The two that did the most damage were the nicknames “Amigo” from one teacher, and “Ricky” from a basketball coach. I never perceived either one as malicious or racist, but hindsight being 20/20, I can pinpoint several instances where it was very evident that someone was projecting their microaggressions on me. Even those that were genuinely “innocent” should have been eradicated.
Malicious or not, there’s a long-term effect and impact by calling someone by a nickname he/she didn’t offer, to not have to get uncomfortable and pronounce his/her full and actual name. It's important to highlight these effects as we navigate how to get uncomfortable in Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI).
At that time, there wasn’t an actual term for DEI like there is today, even though its core purpose – to offer fair and equal opportunities for advancement within any given community to everyone, regardless of any differentiating factors (e.g., race, gender, ethnicity, etc.) – dates to some of the earliest days of equal and civil rights movements. Perhaps that’s part of the reason I didn’t realize I felt ostracized until I looked back on my childhood, and why others faced, and continue to face, some of the same challenges in the present day.
DEI is especially prevalent in the workplace, yet people still struggle to be their genuine selves to make others comfortable. Getting comfortable being uncomfortable means having the courage to have difficult conversations on a consistent basis that will ultimately lead to overall empowerment of everyone, particularly minorities. From the smallest effort of asking someone how to pronounce their name correctly, to open group discussions about which types of initiatives, tools, and/or resources a certain minority group could benefit from, within a company, all play a major role.
If you have a name that may be difficult for others to pronounce, don’t settle for an alternative someone may come up with, without correcting them, even if you know they don’t mean any harm. Letting others off the hook, based on their intention, doesn’t eliminate the potential long-term impact, and it is doing everyone a disservice, starting with yourself.
Intention vs Impact
In her LinkedIn Learning course, Moving DEI From Intention to Impact, Ruchika Tulshyan, a LinkedIn influencer, and author, and speaker on various aspects of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, shares a similar experience, where she adopted “Chika,” a shorter version of her name, for the sake of others’ comfort. She goes on to discuss the difference between intention and impact in a profound way, encouraging everyone to reexamine good intentions.
She provides the example that a person who is corrected on a pronunciation usually responds with something along the lines of “I didn’t mean to offend you,” which is most often genuine. But, to truly be inclusive, that same person has the option to also express that they understand the impact it could have and commit to getting it right moving forward. She further explains that it’s not someone’s fault they come from privilege, but it is incumbent upon them to “widen the table, “ meaning create and promote opportunities, for those who do not.
It's difficult, for some, to gather the courage to correct others on the pronunciation of their name and get uncomfortable with DEI, but shifting your focus from the intention to the impact can help anyone that might struggle, especially someone in a leadership role. Ruchika lists three different ways that shifting your focus can make an immediate difference:
It allows us to take responsibility
It fosters an environment of learning and growth
It creates a safe space to invite other perspectives
When it comes to getting uncomfortable with DEI, it almost always has to start with leadership in order for it to have the effect it should, which is perhaps why many, including Ruchika, believe inclusion is the most important quality of leadership today.
How do I get uncomfortable?
It's important to note that this scenario does not only happen between a person that comes from privilege and another that doesn’t. It happens to people from all different ethnicities/cultural backgrounds, races, genders, and more. I, a Latino male, work with a diverse population daily, and I meet people from all over the globe: people from Poland, India, Philippines, USA, and many more. As a member of a historically marginalized group, it’s not only right that I, too, practice inclusion, it’s perhaps even more important, because we cannot expect inclusion from others if we aren’t willing to commit to doing the same for them and each other.
Getting uncomfortable in DEI is a task that requires commitment, patience, and consistency from everyone. In the professional context, this could be within your department, your market or region, or even a nationwide or global entity. Regardless of the size, the requirements for progress remain.
Pro Tip: Getting uncomfortable in DEI is a little easier when it’s done proactively versus reactively. A quick tip that a consultant at The Wilbanks Consulting Group shared was to make an attempt at someone’s name, but if you’re not confident that you’re going to be correct, follow that with “did I pronounce that correctly?” This simple question has produced tremendous results in my conversations. While I get a lot of names correctly, the times I don’t, the other person almost dismisses that and expresses gratitude that I even bothered to ask… after they’ve corrected me, of course. Therein lies the value of good intention, when it’s paired with a conscious effort to be inclusive from the start.
Getting Comfortable with the Uncomfortable
Pioneers of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion didn’t create change by staying in their respective comfort zones. True leaders of DEI, the likes of Dr. Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, Malcolm X, and my personal favorite, Muhammad Ali, along with many others, would not be known for who they were if they lacked the courage to make others uncomfortable, but before we can do that, we must be willing to get uncomfortable with ourselves.
In our careers, that can be a challenge, but there are ways to express yourself professionally to ensure your message isn’t misinterpreted as defensive or combative. You could find yourself in a position where you have to address an issue with someone via email, or you might show up to an interview and have the interviewer mispronounce your name. Will you stay quiet because you want or need the job? If you think you could find yourself in one of these situations, or a similar one, reach out to The Wilbanks Consulting Group and a career coach can work with you to craft that email, work on your verbal responses, or prepare for a different, unique situation. We are here to help you learn how to get comfortable being uncomfortable in DEI.
Regardless of the specific situation, action must be taken to cultivate actual change, no matter how small, progress for one is progress for all. If we stay quiet, we do ourselves and everyone who’s impacted a disservice. Speak up with your actions and get comfortable being uncomfortable!
“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
-Dr. Martin Luther King